Letters & Opinion
High Five: Flirting with disaster
Columnist
Hello again to all my friends! How was your break? Full of excitement and new adventures? I know mine was! I’ve come to grips with the loss of our December graduate friends and their smiling faces. After all, we do have a few new friends on campus now, and I look forward to teaching each and every one of you the secret Pointer handshake! I’ve missed you all and couldn’t be more pleased to be back.
An interesting thought was brought up to me over break. A female friend of mine had the idea that my writing in this publication and beyond could attract scores of attractive women. I scoffed at this notion, of course. The very idea is absurd! I mean I know I’m a very attractive man and I do receive sometimes up to three e-mails per week with romantic undertones, not including the graphically suggestive e-mails I get from Avra on a daily basis. I’ve always felt that these e-mails had more to do with my kind and outgoing nature than my writing. However, one event over break changed all of this.
I was leaving work one evening shortly after the New Year began when I found a note under my car’s windshield wiper that simply read “U R CUTE.” It was flattering to be sure, but the usage of letters in place of words has always been a turn off for me. If you’re not Prince, you’re not allowed. I chalked it up to a prank being perpetrated by friends or the attention of some doting library patron. Either way, I put the note in my pocket for later transference to the proper recycling receptacle and thought nothing more of it.
Two nights later, I found another note occupying the space usually reserved for parking tickets and this one offered a little more help as to who the culprit might have been. The message read, “Meet me 2nite for some fun,” and listed a street address. I logically figured it was all a set up for a surprise party, as any right-minded individual would. H owe v e r , when I turned the note over, I saw that it had been written on the back of a black business card with embossed purple foil writing. “Lady V, Love Goddess of UW-SP,” was staring back at me. Could it be? No, of course not! Why would the mysterious purveyor of advice on love and sex to the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point masses want me? It made no sense! I had to find that address.
I rushed home, combed my hair, put on my most attractive, yet casual outfit and set out to settle this mess.
After driving for nearly an hour, I found the address written on the card. The house was dark, save for the soft flickering of what appeared to be candlelight. As I approached the door I thought this could still be a prank. My friends could burst out of the snow-covered shrubberies and pelt me with snowballs. It wouldn’t be the first time! I finished my cautious walk up the sidewalk and rang the door bell.
The door opened slowly to reveal the curvaceous figure of a woman silhouetted by candlelight. The doorway vixen said she’d been waiting for me. Then she stepped out of the shadows. I was seeing the face of Lady V. I couldn’t believe it! It was her all along! This face I’d seen so many times before, completely unaware of her secret life! I told her I was sorry and I thanked her for her flattery, but I am just not the kind of man to put the honor of either of us at risk. Then I turned and walked back to my car, resolute to take the secret of Lady V’s identity to my grave.
I now know that with great power comes great responsibility. My friends never underestimate the power of well-written words as an aphrodisiac. I will need to be more careful. Back to the fun next week, friends!
