Letters & Opinion
High Five: For chivalry
Columnist
Greetings fair maidens and merry men! I trust you all had a most enjoyable spring break and have returned to campus refreshed and excited about the final weeks of the semester.
My stint in the rehabilitation clinic was a complete success and my yearnings for e-commerce are now under control. I was quite pleased to see the collection of well wishings in the forms of cards and plants that had accumulated while I was away. My dear friend Nick Meyer made sure that each and every plant stayed healthy and alive in my absence. He is a true friend.
While sorting through the large stack of mail that Nick also brought in for me, I found quite the interesting letter among the bills and High Five fan mail. The letter was from a King Roland of the Kingdom of Elkston. Apparently the online presence of High Five has become so popular as to reach the screen of royal Elkston, and the king was most impressed with my fine moral character. It is because of my honorable nature that he was seeking my help.
It seems the king’s daughter, the fair Princess Breann, was kidnapped by a most unsavory ogre. He has sent many brave men to rescue her from the mountain lair of the ogre, but they all proved to be of inferior valor and failed. He has exhausted the supply of morally upstanding young men in his kingdom, which is why he has sought the help of me.
Well, I could not let the honor of this young maiden be sullied any further. I immediately wrote back to King Roland saying I would gladly go on this quest. I figure my many visits to various Renaissance festivals over the years more than qualifies me to fight an ogre! For further research I have also turned to the world of cinema to gain tutelage from the likes of Robin Hood and Wesley of “The Princess Bride.” I shall not rest until the fair Princess Breann is returned.
The king has arranged for my travel by providing a noble steed in royal private jet form. I certainly would have embarked on such a quest for free but I have been offered the hand of the princess. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right? Wrong! Arranged marriage is an antiquated practice that does not fly with this young hero. I have asked that the princess be set free from such old-world ways. However, I have seen pictures of Princess Breann and she’s awfully cute. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll choose me anyway! That would be the best! Keep your fingers crossed, and perhaps after graduation I’ll be on the road to royalty!
Let us not belittle the peril of this quest though. How will I succeed where so many have failed? Why, with the help of my sidekick of course! I believe that all of these would-be heroes lacked the essential sidekick who balances cuteness with comic relief. It is essential for the quest! Not one of these failed questers has employed the services of Nathan the Pirate. Not only will his cutting sarcasm and snappy philosophies surely weaken the defenses of a less-than-intelligent ogre, his girlish giggle will keep me amused on the long journey. And he’s a pirate! Who doesn’t love pirates? I just hope he hasn’t raised his questing rates. I’m not sure I can afford more than middle-shelf vodka and hugs.
So, friends, if you notice me bulking up over the next few weeks, do not be alarmed. It’s all part of Avra’s training program. She’s seen “Masters of the Universe” eighteen times, clearly making her an expert. So long for now my friends!
