Letters & Opinion
High Five: Gets help
Columnist
Friends, I’ve heard a rumor about myself circulating, and I would like to set the record straight. Yes, it is true that my pretty face is sporting a bit of a shiner in the eye area. It is also true that it was received through a bit of violence. However, I would like to tell you the story of what really happened so all of the half-versions can cease and my good name will not be tarnished.
This past Saturday, I was out with some friends having a simply wonderful time. Perhaps we were a bit rambunctious, but not to an extent that was impeding the good time of anyone else anywhere we went. All of a sudden I felt a very demanding tap on my shoulder, turned around, and was met with the business end of a pummeling fist!
I was taken aback to be sure! To my knowledge I had done nothing to offend anyone, and I certainly would not incite violence! Never!
Apparently the gentleman who accosted me was unhappy with something he’d read in last week’s column, specifically the casting of Dorothy Barnard as the leading lady in the upcoming musical. It would seem the feisty boy is a highly zealous fan of Ms. Lizzy Joanis and thought she was the only clear choice for the role. He clearly believed actions spoke louder than words in voicing his opinion. Luckily for me, Avra thought similarly, swinging out of hiding to beat the ever-living snot out of my assailant. The first rule of effective nonviolence is to travel with a violent person. In my case, I never travel without Avra, but her bravery has won her the right to no longer be called a stalker.
Now that the record has been set straight about that incident, let’s talk about more pleasant things, shall we? It is, after all, only a few short days until spring break is officially underway! I’ve heard of the exciting plans that many of you have and I wish each and every one of you the greatest deal of safety and fun to be had on all of your wild adventures. I look forward to all of the plentiful pictures and scintillating stories when you return.
However, I will not be able to accept any of the fantastic invitations that have been extended to me for my spring break; mine will be spent in rehab. Yes, dear readers, I am only human and have my vices. In the past few months, my greatest vice has gotten out of control and I must reach out for help. The first step is admitting I have a problem, so I now turn to you and say that I, Steve Danger Apfel, am a compulsive online shopper. I truly hope that this affliction will not make you think less of me.
This problem has begun to take a toll on my personal relationships and I know there are more than a few who have been worried about me. I also know you only worry because you care. One of you clearly cares so much as to put me in touch with counselor Beckee McDermott at the C. Nichols Rehabilitation and Recreation Clinic in sunny Glendale, Ariz.
I will be leaving this Friday afternoon for my week-long program at the clinic where Ms. McDermott will help me once again become acclimated to performing acts of commerce in actual public places. I regret to inform you that I will be nigh unreachable, as I will not be allowed Internet nor cell phone privileges during the program. It’s really for my own good.
I am confident that with the help of the clinic staff and the support of so many of my friends and loved ones that I will be able to overcome this crippling addiction and be able to be my old self when we return.
