Letters & Opinion
High Five: With a little help from my friends
Columnist
Hey friends! I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see how well the secret handshake has caught on in the past week. I apologize to those of you who have been late for class due to needing to perform the shake in its entirety. Since it’s all in the name of community building and friendship, I’m sure your professors have been more than understanding. Maybe you can teach them as well! There’s no reason we can’t be friends with the faculty! For those of you still having trouble mastering the technique, Avra has become somewhat of a master of the complete routine. She’d be more than happy to help you perfect your technique anytime day or night. Just call her! I’ll gladly give you her number, and she’ll be glad I did.
I have a bit of sad news this week, I’m afraid, dear readers. My car, the Volkswagen Golf that became the envy of so many of you back when our friendship was just budding, went to that great used car lot in the sky this week. Unfortunately, I cannot say it was a quick and painless last goodbye, when the exhaust pipe rusted through and broke. It has been rough trying to let go of such a good friend. I ask that you not send flowers, but that all of your contributions go right to Parking Services. They were the most familiar with the Golf of anyone on campus. In fact, if we were all to pay a lump sum in a check made out to Parking Services, I’m guessing we could make a big dent in fees accumulated by the Golf in parking tickets. Once the tickets are paid, the healing can begin.
I can’t say I’ve had to grieve all alone, though, because you, my friends, have been there for me 100 percent this week. I’d like to thank whoever left the basket of fresh muffins in front of our favorite parking meter in Lot V. That was above and beyond nice, and once I fought the squirrels and birds off the basket, there were still a few crumbs left for me to enjoy. I’d appreciate you coming forward so I can thank you properly. You may e-mail me if you’d like to protect your identity. Perhaps we can get together and bake some delightful treats for a bake sale to benefit the Golf Replacement Fund!
I’ve also received no less than six offers from various students asking me if I’d just like to room with them for awhile to eliminate my need to commute every day. Couches and pull-out beds have been offered to me, as have carpools and bicycles. You’re really all too kind, but even without his trusted automobile sidekick, a man still has his pride. As great as the Golf was, it’s not like I’m David Hasselhoff now forced to face the world without K.I.T.T. I can still walk this Earth and hum my theme song to myself.
I’m sure you’ve noticed the dropping price at the pumps lately, and while I’d love to take credit for this gift, I’m afraid it just wouldn’t be right of me. The world economic crisis is probably technically the reason for the dropping price, but a little part of me likes to think that it is a present from the governments of the world to me. They made my last days with the Golf just a little more enjoyable by putting a few more dollars in my pocket. Just like those hilarious Burger King commercials with the reverse pickpocketing! Except I wouldn’t be upset at such an act unless the money I was receiving was stolen. Then I’d feel terrible and want to find the rightful owner and reimburse them. But I digress.
I’d also like to thank my parents who have been just wonderful during this trying ordeal. The ultra-stylish green minivan you may have seen me tooling around in this week is their ride. They’ve graciously allowed me to borrow their sweet machine in my time of need. My education is very important to them as I’m sure it is to all of you.
My daily commutes won’t be the same without my little German auto friend. Sure it was a little noisy and a little rusty. Yes, the radio didn’t work and the headlights were a little dimmer than one would hope for. These things were just part of the charm, and I’m sure it is these very things you will miss just as I will. See you next week, friends.
