Letters & Opinion
No worries on SAD 2009
Ladyvuwsp@yahoo.com
Dear Lady V,
I’m a single 19-year-old guy who has been at UW-SP for two years now and I haven’t met anyone. I know that this is partly my fault; I have social anxiety problems and I find it hard to go out and meet new people, but I still find it hard to believe that I haven’t met anyone yet. I have trouble telling if a woman is just being friendly or if she is actually interested. I have been told by all my friends, especially my female friends, that I’m a great guy who has a lot of what women are looking for. Yet I always seem to be the friend and never the boyfriend. It seems that anyone I meet is only interested in good-looking guys who are complete assholes. I would really like to meet someone and have an honest and real connection with them, but the longer I’m here, the less I think its going to happen. I now find myself very lonely and feeling like I should just give up. Do nice guys really finish last? What do you think I should do?
Looking for enlightenment, Lonelyboy
Thank you for your letter Lonelyboy. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I am sure you are feeling the burn of Singles Awareness Day.
I like Valentine’s Day when I have someone to spend it with, but I mean, who doesn’t? I have a friend who pleaded me to find him any hot friends with loose morals and a panache for fat, hairy guys (yeah, his vocabulary is that good). If there are any takers, please e-mail me at ladyv@uwsp.edu and no, this should not be some pathetic way of trying to figure out who I am. Your time will come ... I promise.
Anyway, I do not have an answer on whether or not nice guys finish last because I know that I am searching for that nice guy and I never seem to come across one. And that may be because they are very similar to you. Shy and quiet.
One thing I know from a woman’s perspective is that we find confidence enticing, which is probably why it seems women always fall for the “bad boy” type. But I have experienced that confidence is commonly disguised arrogance.
Don’t ever “give up.” But don’t try too hard either. You may be missing someone great right under your nose. When you don’t try too hard is usually when you find someone.
You need not give up, but we are all at UW-SP to learn and acquire a degree. Why are you really here? Not to put a ring on someone’s finger, although it may seem that way because that is all people talk about. That you can blame on the media. The media is constantly filling our minds with the idea that we need to be dating someone (or someones...) We don’t.
It seems from what you have already told me, you have a solid friend base and support group. To me, that should be most important and things may just fall into place. It is very uncommon to find your soul mate right away. Why would you want to though? There are many interesting people to meet and have a that connection with. I am thankful for the strong support I have in my friends. Being able to sit in the Brewhaus and shoot the shit about nerdy stuff with my closest friends is one of the most rewarding things I have experienced in college.
I know what it’s like to “just be a friend,” except I always end up being “just one of the guys.” So just be glad you aren’t in my shoes.
You are 19 and still young but seemingly very mature for your age (Have you ever thought about dating older women?). Do you watch Scrubs? JD and Elliot are years out of grad school and still searching. I look at that and think that is very realistic. Being in college is an OK time to work on yourself. You spend all of high school being what your parents want you to be, and now that you are finally here, you should fine tune to your liking.
Obviously one of the things you would like to work on is being more outgoing and being able to read people, especially women, better. Have you been diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder? This may be something else to consider looking into. There are plenty of counseling and therapy opportunities for concerns like this.
