Letters & Opinion
Thumbs down to High Five
Columnist
I have a little problem that I’d like to deal with right here. Do you know what the problem is? Well, you should because all of you are the problem! Honestly what is wrong with you people? Steve Apfel is not a journalist! He hasn’t reported one true fact this entire year and you people eat it up!
Each and every week he sits in “The Pointer” office and writes accounts of these fantastic adventures and exciting parties that he has been a part of. That’s to say nothing of the scores of friends he makes reference to multiple times in each and every dreaded column. Don’t any of you realize that what he really does is sit and make up complete nonsense? You are being subjected to the delusional ramblings of a socially backward buffoon!
What kind of flights of fancy have you been forced to read this year? There was the time he claimed to create a sensational “secret handshake.” There is no such action and anyone performing the act he described would accomplish nothing more than make a complete ass of themselves. There is also no worldwide fan club because that would require having fans internationally. It frankly boggles the mind how he has fans on this campus, let alone in other countries! Also, it is absolutely abhorrent the way he writes about Ms. Avra Juhnke. Clearly a woman of her stature on campus would not allow herself to be written about in such ways if it weren’t for the thinly veiled fact that she and Mr. Apfel have been involved in a torrid physical love affair the entire time.
There are so many pressing issues in the world that could be dealt with each week. Global economic crises, the increasing deterioration of our planet, or even the latest up-to-the-minute SGA happenings could appear in this space, but no, you allow fake flag football leagues, fictional medieval quests and karaoke parties to sully the reputations of the very words used to write such rubbish. Each time I make it through the end of another “High Five” column, I feel cheated because those are moments of my life that I will never get back. They were wasted on validating the creation of a clear pop culture junkie with too much time on his hands. I wish that the part of my tuition that helps pay for Mr. Apfel’s part of the publication could be refunded to me because I could surely find a better use for those dollars.
Thank goodness that the NFL season is over, effectively putting a stop to his dreadful weekly updates. Does anyone realize that he continued reporting on the NFL well into the spring last year? He has absolutely zero qualifications for writing sports news at all. If you have seen him in person, he is clearly not any type of athlete. In fact, his wardrobe and overall demeanor are appalling. That is another issue entirely, however. I only have so much space to write and I won’t squander any more of it on his lack of personal style and taste.
“The Pointer” should really be ashamed of printing such garbage. As a student run publication, they should really be focusing on providing a better brand of content to the student body. I thought that once the campus newspaper was freed from the spell of the filthy tripe written by Pat Rothfuss, things would start to look up. I thought we’d finally get to see thoroughly researched and expertly written informative content through the entirety of each issue. I was so wrong.
By allowing hooligans like Pat Rothfuss and Steve Apfel to print their versions of reality in this paper, the very integrity of the entire publication is compromised. This is not journalism; it is barely writing at all. There are no interviews conducted; no information is conveyed. Barely a single bit of truth manages to break through the wall of steaming excrement passing for content.
I implore you, my fellow students, to put your collective foot down and put a stop to this senseless waste of column inches. This is our newspaper and we don’t have to stand for such a senseless waste of our time and resources.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
