News
Money, kept in jars in the SGA office.
Chancellor approves SGA bail out - Chancellor: “They’re too big - and too self-important - to fail!”
The Pointless
sgga@uwsp.edu
Chancellor Linda Bunnell earmarked a record $33.2 million in her annual budget on Tuesday in a provision designed to save the Student Government Association from going under.
“Wherever you may stand on this issue,” Bunnell said, “the fact remains that even as SGA continues to raise segregated fees – amidst rising tuition and schooling costs – and add new staff positions, the institution of shared governance must survive, nay, it must thrive!”
“SGA,” the Chancellor continued, “has made itself too big – and too self-important – to be allowed to fail! If SGA goes down, the ripples will be felt in every corner of the university.”
“This is wonderful news,” said SGA President Katie Kloth. “This means we can add more issues directors and buy an island of trees somewhere so they don’t get cut down!”
The highly controversial action has many critics questioning the role SGA has carved for itself in recent years. Taking stances, approving policies and passing budgets that, some argue, fall well out of their jurisdiction and/or mission statement, the SGA has become larger and larger.
Others go so far as to call the ever-increasing size of SGA’s executive staff in the face of a shrinking senate “shameless” and a “misappropriation of student dollars and trust.”
“Who are we to deny student organizations funding if they ask for it, or a special interest group their own paid position in the government if they suggest it in passing?” asked one SGA member who wished to remain anonymous. “Personally, I can totally see how these things pay for themselves over the long term. Say, did you need money for anything? Something eco-friendly and sustainable perhaps?”
“Everyone in this office works incredibly hard,” said Kloth, choking back tears. “Some are putting in 40 hours a week and I don’t want to hear anyone saying otherwise! That’s bad karma.”
“Sure,” Bunnell added, “we would have liked to have had SGA not approve a budget that increased its previous budget by over 1,500 percent, and we would like to have not had to cut most academic programs in order to finance this, but what can you do? They said I was standing in the way of Shared Governance.”
The Chancellor later added, “Hopefully this will shut them up. Maybe they can buy some tar sands or an owl and feel good about themselves.”
The $33.2 million bail out will mean an approximate increase of $3,500 in costs and fees to students next year.
However, in response to this news, SGA vowed not to allow the UW-SP administration to raise fees or costs, at all, and has instead demanded that the money for the bail out be taken from the school’s academic programs.
The University has thereby announced plans to do away with costly professors in favor of Wikipedia, a move Kloth calls “a victory for shared governance.”
Experts estimate that by 2013; each student at UW-SP will have their own issues director within SGA, with pay and hours for each position being commensurated with what most professors would have been making – if UW-SP still has professors.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
