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An artist rendering of the Hyer Hall explosion made by a student who happened to be standing outside during the explosion.
Hyer Hall meets early demise due to miscommunication and budget cuts
The Pointless
oscartgroutch@uwsp.edu
Students on the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point campus awoke early Sunday, March 29 to the sound of a giant explosion, as Hyer Hall, set to be demolished this summer, met an accidental early demise through strategic explosives.
At 1 a.m. staff and their student mistresses in Hyer Hall were rushed out of their beds and over to the Debot Center with little explanation.
At 1:03 a.m., Hyer Hall went up in a fiery burst, leaving nothing but a crater and debris behind. Only four students survived the explosion.
“We had planned to blow up the building during the summer, but I guess I forgot to give that schedule to the explosive engineers,” said Joe Totman, director of Residential Living. “Oops, my bad.”
The explosive engineers attributed the early explosion of Hyer Hall to a fear of budget cuts at the UW System level.
“We needed to take down that building early if we’re going to do it at all, especially in this recession,” said Bowser, owner of Destroy Mario Demolition. “We sent Mr. Totman a memo a few hours before we set off the explosives, clearly enough time to clear out.”
Surviving students from Hyer Hall were torn apart by the loss of their friends.
“My iPod,” said Charlie McJohnsonski, UW-SP freshman. “Oh my god, my iPod! How will I ever survive? How will I breathe? How will I eat? Why? Why?!”
The university does not plan to reimburse students for their lost property or roommates.
“They should have noticed the high explosives being slowly moved into the hall lobby,” said Totman.
The students lost in the explosion will not be forgotten as the the Student Government Association plans to name the new hall after all those lost in the incident. They will be naming it the Krszjzaniek, Nechuta, Leb, Seamandel, Rombalski, King, Glodowski, Baumann, Boseo, Gernetzke, Ratchman, Sprattler, Schuelke, Haight, Meyer, Taubenheim, Mathias, Barnard, Findlay, Riegert, Clark, Juhnke, Berg, Lady V, Mueller, iPod Hall.
“It is only right that we remember their tragic deaths in this residence hall by naming a new hall after them,” said Katie Kloth, SGA president for life.
The four students remaining will be allowed to live in their cars for the rest of the semester. The students would have rejoiced at the revelation if they had not found out their cars were recently destroyed by Chancellor Bunnell during a series of consecutive parking incidents.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
