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Harley the dolphin is the newest staff member for the Student Government Association. Harley makes only rare appearances and this photo was taken after consuming fellow classmates.
Translation: “Click, click-click-click. eeeee, click, click, eeek eek. click, eeek, cleee-ick-ick click, click-click-click. eeeee, click, click, eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek eeek eek. click, eeek, cleee-ick-ick!”
SGA hires dolphin; “click click eeek”
The Pointless
Jaysonblair@uwsp.edu
In a surprise move, the Student Government Association unanimously approved the appointment of a dolphin as the organization’s new executive director last Thursday.
“We are very excited to finally have students with ‘aquatic needs’ represented on the staff,” said SGA President Katie Kloth. “I’m not really sure how you pronounce his name in his native tongue, but I’m told the anglicized version translates to ‘Harley,’ so we’re super pumped to have Harley the dolphin on board. Of course, not literally on board, because he needs to be in water to live, but you know what I mean.”
Harley the dolphin is an urban forestry major with minors in international studies and dietetics.
In a release dated Monday, March 30, Harley the dolphin went on a pre-emptive attack on all of his critics, stating, “Click, click-click-click. Eeeee, click, click, eeek eek. Click, eeek, cleee-ick-ick!”
It is widely believed that Harley the dolphin will present a challenge to the traditional makeup of SGA, which has not previously attempted to hire an animal renowned throughout the animal kingdom for its intelligence.
“There will be a learning curve, no doubt,” said SGA Vice President Kirk Cychosz. “But, by god, we have already put in the order for an aquarium on wheels, and we are currently looking into if the tuna salad on campus is “dolphin-safe,” because clearly this is a concern for Harley.”
Some have decreed SGA’s action as reactionary, citing concerns over global warming being taken too far, as well as calling into question the actual validity of Harley the Dolphin’s application.
“I saw the thing,” said CPS senator Andrew Letson. “It was written in chum. And being in the ROTC, I know something about chum.”
The act of appointing wildlife to the SGA executive board is not without precedent, however. In the early 1980s, SGA briefly employed Klaus von Bearlow, the Danish-German exchange bear who gained notoriety for marrying into the Worzalla family fortune, as academic issues director.
Ultimately, von Bearlow was forced into resignation amid allegations, and a later conviction, that he had forced the then vice president into an insulin coma and proceeded to partially eat him. Von Bearlow was later cleared of any wrongdoing on court appeal.
Harley the dolphin did not respond to repeated interview requests prior to press time, though he did offer to demonstrate a very impressive back flip in exchange for a fish. “The Pointer” declined, as it does not pay for stories.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
