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SGA pres. elections end in turmoil; Kloth declared president for life
The Pointless
Hopp ityHopp ity@uwsp.edu
In a shocking turn of events, Student Government Association president Katie Kloth declared herself “president for life,” a term once used by Julius Caesar when he made himself dictator over the Roman Empire, as well as Napoleon Bonaparte.
After two SGA presidential election attempts riddled with computer errors, glitches and complaints, students demanded change and Kloth had seemingly had enough.
Kloth held a special meeting Tuesday, March 31, to bring together those students that felt disenfranchised by the SGA elections committee and do something about it.
“I think it is important that the students’ voices are heard on this, and it is clear the elections committee has failed us all,” said Kloth. “So, it is with this that I step up as president for life to continue to protect the environment, third world countries, skateboarders and stuff. Oh, and I guess some of the students, too.”
The room blew up with huge rounds of applause and cheer as the four students attending were overwhelmed with the joy of seeing Kloth as president for a much longer term.
“I’m so glad I’ve lived to see a moment where real change is happening in SGA,” said Joseph Shirminermsnoff. “Maybe something will really get done in the next 20-40 years.”
Elections committee members met the decision with much dismay.
“I’m not sure what to think about this as I am utterly surprised,” said Casey Ehrhardt. “I’m glad we don’t have to run another election, that would have been hell, but it looks like we won’t be running elections for a long time.”
Kloth immediately stepped out as president for life making her first decision to ensure that the student voice is always heard by eliminating the SGA senate. The senate had only contained five senators, but they were given executive staff positions to ensure their silence.
“Oh well, at least I get paid now,” said an anonymous former senator.
Other immediate decisions included building a skate park in the sundial as well as donating the entire University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point Learning Resource Center also known as a library to African third world countries costing $1.2 million in shipping.
“The skate park will definitely be adequate reparation to all those skate-boarders who have been discriminated against by the University and the city and the books will truly make a bigger difference than they were on our campus; nobody reads books from there anyway,” said Kloth.
Stay tuned to SGA updates for details as The Pointer may no longer be in print.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
