Pointlife
Falcon’s Gate member Pandor presents his new fair maiden with the lance of Eggensausage.
Falcon’s Gate reportedly gets a girlfriend
In what some are calling the single greatest development to occur in the world of make-believe since World of Warcraft went online, University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point’s Falcon’s Gate is reported to have acquired a girlfriend.
A cautious optimism seems to have overtaken the group in recent weeks. Falcon’s Gate, known for its recreation of pre-seventeenth century culture and chivalry, has had its members report a 100 percent increase in female participation at meetings.
“Once, Phil Smedgman’s sister waited for him to get done so that she could get a ride somewhere,” said one member, “but all she did was text and roll her eyes, so we only counted her as half being there. But, now, with this girl …it’s weird, really.”
“We don’t want to blow this,” said Smedgman. “I think I’ll ask her if she wants me to make her some chain mail, because I make awesome chain mail. Maybe she wants to be Dungeon Master next month. We better pace ourselves; too much too soon can be bad.”
No member is exactly sure what the woman’s name is, though many believe it to be “Wendy” or “Samantha.” One member dressed in a knight’s garb and brandishing a lance, hazarded a guess that the woman’s name, “doth be Lady Guinevere.”
Whatever the given name of the woman, there seems to be a consensus among members that she is “awesome,” “totally cute” and “a true maiden of honor.”
“At first we weren’t sure why she was watching us,” reported one member that wished to remain anonymous. “We offered to help her find where she was looking for, but then she said she was here to hang out and watch us. And when it became clear she wasn’t there to make fun of us, we didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t until the following week that we realized that she actually wanted to be there.”
Previous attempts at Falcon’s Gate interactions with women have garnered mixed results.
At an August 2007 Renaissance Fair, one member of Falcon’s Gate was reported to have gotten halfway to first base with a saucy wench, until it was revealed that the wench was Kevin’s mother there to pick him up for an orthodontist appointment.
In May of 2008, a WoW tournament performance by “19hottie4u” allowed several members to experience their first nocturnal emissions while awake. Tragically, “19hottie4u” turned out to be 47-year-old unemployed plumber Mike Zamuda of Wildwood, N J, a discovery that led to several members’ first “nocturnal repression.”
In an October 2008 incident, Scott Karotika’s mother accidentally queued Jenna Jameson’s “Pirates” instead of the third installment of Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy. The ensuing viewing party caused three asthma attacks, two cases of post-traumatic stress and one very awkward phone call to Zamuda.
It was not known at press time if the woman had ever seen the third “Pirates of the Caribbean” installment or if she would be interested in coming over to Karotika’s house sometime with everyone to watch it, though Falcon’s Gate does intend on finding out “real soon.”
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
