Pointlife
Near lethal amounts of patchouli are starting to appear in Knutzen. Residents claim that it’s cleansing qualities are remarkable. Others claim not so much.
Knutzen Hall residents forced to shower
The Pointless
deodless@uwsp.edu
An epic showdown between students and administration on the University of Wisconsin–Stevens Point campus came to a head last Friday. The Wisconsin Supreme Court sided with UW-SP administration as well as students with nasal receptors, that the residents of Knutzen Hall would have to shower by April 10.
“We are giving the citizens of Knutzen Residence Hall two weeks to comply with our decision,” wrote State Supreme Court Justice Shirley S. Abrahamson in the unanimous court decision. “The odor that these individuals exude can be classified as nasal battery and impedes upon the freedoms of those in the same vicinity, and most certainly in the same classroom.”
“Stinkin’ hippies,” the Justice concluded in her majority decision.
Knutzen Hall, long held up as the “Eco Hall” because of the building’s vain attempts to save the planet by composting in its lobby and placing solar panels on its roof, had always been scrutinized due to its residents overall lack of hygiene. But it wasn’t until a shocking—and ultimately false—report was released in “High Times” magazine last year that the problem truly exploded.
“High Times,” the unofficial Knutzen Hall periodical of choice, suggested that the cleansing properties of “patchouli and incense” may have been previously understated, and that, in fact, the combination was all a person really needed to “clean up in the morning.”
“If only ‘High Times’ ran retractions,” said Julie Zsido Assistant Director of Residential Living. “So much of this could have been avoided.”
“You know, in Kentucky, they would all be arrested,” said Zsido, referring to the oft-cited Kentucky statute wherein all residents of the state are required to bathe at least once a year. “We tried painting the lawn blue in an effort to make them think they were in Kentucky and it ended up only encouraging them to revisit the same dealer.”
Knutzen, previously known for its abundance of white Rastafarians and individuals up for a game of hacky-sack, henceforth became known as the single greatest environmental and aesthetic disaster looming over the university campus.
“The patchouli buildup,” said one concerned scientist in a court deposition, “that we are seeing in residents’ clothing is reaching cataclysmic levels. Any attempts to wash said clothing would release a patchouli spill into the Wisconsin River watershed unheard of outside of Vermont…our streams are just not prepared for such an event horizon!”
“The best solution,” the deposition continued, “is to carefully collect the garments into airtight bags and ship them to a Phish concert where they can be released back into their natural environment.”
Chancellor Linda Bunnell even added her opinion on the debacle.
“You know, all that money invested in solar hot water doesn’t look that impressive if it’s only being used to supply hot water for cleaning mason jars that people use as drinking cups,” said Bunnell.
Reactions from Knutzen Hall to the court decision were uniform.
“…Soap?”said most of those interviewed.
Reactions elsewhere on campus have ranged from subdued to jubilant.
“At first, the smell, I did not notice, but now, it is, how you say, terrible,” said one stereotypical French exchange student named Jacques Merci.
“Damn it; it’s about time!” one excited student from Burroughs Hall exclaimed. “It smells horrible when the winds come out of the east. And that means something coming from me; I’m from Wisconsin Rapids.”
The Student Government Association has already filed an appeal on behalf of the students living in Knutzen Hall, citing “a terrifying precedent that not even members of SGA could follow.”
Meanwhile, the Residence Hall Association has announced dates of workshops to be held wherein anyone—as long as they are wearing pajama pants—can attend to learn more about the benefits of partnering soap with hot water.
“Soon, everyone at UW-SP will be able to breathe a little easier. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m running late,” said Chancellor Bunnell, who then promptly backed over Stevie Pointer in the parking lot. No note was left.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
