Pointlife
Terminator’s long-lost daughter morphs into yeast-loving hamster
The Pointer
notagerbil@uwsp.edu
A University of Wisconsin– Stevens Point student has been confronted by multiple students and faculty on her recent metamorphosis, occurring during lunch periods at the Dreyfus University Center cafeteria.
Students reported witnessing Mallory Smith unexpectedly transform into a hamster while eating her food earlier this semester. While it’s uncertain what exactly is causing the alterations, many students have reported seeing her in line for a Stewed and Chewed meal quite often.
Many students have eaten Stewed and Chewed soups before and have experienced no mutations, but other indicators may need to be taken into consideration.
“Sometimes I see her remove a large mason jar full of this brown liquidy stuff from her bag after she sits down to eat,” Adam Tomason said.
The liquid drink that accompanies her meal is kombucha, Smith said.
“It’s kinda like tea, but bitter, and it’s so good with my soup!” she said.
Smith brews the “mushroom tea” and the brew holds a symbiotic relationship to yeast components.
Yeast is also a helpful stress reducer for hamsters.
“It’s possible that the kombucha drink has caused the chemicals in Smith’s body to catalyze with the introduction of yeast, thus perhaps triggering the metamorphosis into a hamster,” Sheila McGuirk said, a UW-Madison professor of food-animal and large-animal production.
Smith’s lineage also indicates some disturbing correlations. Growing up in foster homes her entire life, she never knew who her real father was until recently, when the episodic hamster mutations began to occur and through investigations, she finally found out who her biological father was. A confrontational phone call led to an apologetic meeting, as Smith met with Arnold Schwarzenegger, her father.
“I realized that I don’t have to feel like such an outcast anymore,” Smith said. “My real dad is just as out-of- the-ordinary as I am.”
It was at this confrontation, a father meeting his freakish daughter for the very first time, that Schwarzenegger openly admitted that he was, in fact, a Terminator.
Smith and Schwarzenegger will be making a tour to campuses all over the United States in hopes of developing further understanding of their unique genetics.
Students at UW-SP are being asked to remain calm during Smith’s episodic incidences of metamorphosis into a hamster.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
