Pointlife
There was once a time when such a sight as this caused no nightmares or trauma to Pointlife co-editor Eric Krszjzaniek. Then, he ventured to answer a question for the vultures known as “The Point is... readers.” Please note, Krszjzaniek had never seen the toilet pictured before the paper went to press, but he absolutely loves the doily.
The Point is…
The Pointer
ekrsz157@uwsp.edu
Dear The Point Is,
What is the best colon cleanser out there on the market right now? I need to know this.
Sincerely,
The Only Person Who Asked A Question
Dear TOPWAAQ:
Thank you for your inquiry, and as promised, I shall delve into this question with the gusto of a hormonal teenager who just discovered RedTube.com. Your question was perplexing and, frankly, a bit worrisome, but I pass no judgments – at least I didn’t before I actually did the grunt (best word choice?) work of answering it.
There are many reasons someone would want to cleanse their colon, the least of which being health reasons, the most of which being the ability to smuggle more and better objects. Seeing your inquiry in health terms, TOPWAAQ, I approached my good friend who is into these sorts of purification rituals, and with whom I do triathlons (Note: having done a triathlon allows a person to pluralize triathlon, because, hey, you never know, I could do another one). This gentleman, who shall not remain nameless (his name is Ken), beat me in the triathlon we competed in, so I took this to mean that he was carrying less weight in his colon or something along these lines.
And sure enough, upon inquiring, he did indeed have a colon cleanser to recommend. Not only has he used one, but he continues to use one every six months. This is, indeed, a lot of information to know about one of your friends.
There are few propositions in life greater than that of “try this,” or so I thought, until Ken asked me to try the Aerobic Bulk Cleanse Colon Cleanse 10-Day Treatment product. I had hoped to simply relay his findings; this was not to be the case. Some may ask, without really truly wanting their curiosity rewarded, “What possessed you to try this ABCCC10DT product?”
To these persons, I say, “Because it was dared.”
Enough. Let me tell you about Aerobic Bulk Cleanse Colon Cleanse 10-Day Treatment product.
The particulars are such about this product’s odious claims:
1) It is normal to have a “full” feeling after imbibing the product’s recommended dose of a “heaping tablespoon in an eight-ounce glass of water or juice.”
2) The ingredients of the product include: cloves, garlic, onion, ground- up psyllium husks, hibiscus, licorice, fenugreek, hyssop and more!
3) You will notice results within one-to-two days.
What I found:
1)This is true. What is left out is that you will not want anything else in your stomach either. I gagged twice and it took me 13 minutes to drink my first dose with eight ounces of cold water with the product mixed in. According to the company’s CEO, I must love the product’s taste to have it go down so easy (Note: CEO did not actually say this).
My friend does this 10-day treatment every six months, like clockwork. He is a lunatic. Knowing how this tasted after one time, the knowledge that he drinks 60 of these a year made me not trust him around my children. Luckily, I do not have any children, and never will thanks to the almost certain sterilization properties of ABCCC10DT product.Though I do have to admit, the subsequent doses went down much easier, mainly because I taught myself to black out.
2) First of all, the powder never, NEVER fully mixes into the liquid, as it is supposedly able to do. Therefore, you end up chewing a great deal of the dose. This is not pleasant. No, it is not pleasant at all.
Secondly, do you know what those ingredients taste like when they are mixed together and then “drank”?
They do not taste good. They are like Satan’s gravy and they make puppies die.
I’m not even sure if some of these ingredients are real things: my spell check doesn’t recognize psyllium.
There is a special circle of hell for the pseudo-scientist who combined these ingredients and then sold these ingredients with the instructions for idiots like me to ingest. And in that special circle of hell, the fire will taste like garlic and cloves and it will leave a terrible gritty film in the mouth that no amount of teeth brushing or extraction will alleviate. Also, the Eagles will be playing all the time.
3) Twelve hours after the first dose, and there were no, um, changes, but there was a, let’s say, discomfort. But then, by day two, that discomfort turned into dizziness. I was very dizzy actually. I then grew to hate food. Food caused waste, and because I now knew for the first time where all the food went that I ate, there was no way in hell that I wanted the experience of day three again. Day three, that’s the day, mark your calendars, clear it of appointments, for day three is when the colon gives up the ghost – and everything you’ve ever eaten. Honestly, I didn’t get past day three, because seven more days of the experience of getting rid of everything, no…no…no…NO! I wouldn’t do it!
So, in retrospect, TOPWAAQ, the matters of the colon are best left to lovers and doctors. Nay! I shall not venture again to know without my colon’s consent what secrets it holds; what dark, dark secrets and forgotten matters it possesses. Lo! Men and mortals with sticky canals and bloated bowels, take heed, the sickness is not as bad as the cure!
But, to answer your query, Aerobic Bulk Cleanse Colon Cleanse 10-Day Treatment product is by far the best (and only) colon cleanse product I have dared to try. I give it three-out-of-four stars, and if the doctor tells me the damage from it is not irreparable, I’ll throw in that extra star. I hope this satisfies your bloodlust, you bastard.
If you have any questions you want answered about this splendid burg of Stevens Point we live in, drunk text Krszjzaniek at (715-321-0267) or e-mail Baumann at mbaum925@uwsp.edu. You must be aware that you control us, and we hope to respond to you with frank and utter disdain, as we reconvene in January for the spring semester.
