Pointlife
Voting cycle breaks records on campus
The Pointless
careforfeited@uwsp.edu
It is believed that around 8,800 or 97 percent of the student body turned out for last week’s Student Government Association election, although none of them voted online.
“I was told to vote for the conservative candidate; all I had to do was jiggle the handle,” said Thurgood Peabody, a senior at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point majoring in high Blood Alcohol Content.
Another UW-SP student, Ascot Droppins, a waste management major was told otherwise.
“They told me, to vote for the liberal candidate, to pump the handle,” said Droppins.
The most able-bodied voters in this election came from the Village Apartments, as they have much experience with such procedures on a daily basis.
Other voters were given the recommendation to sit on their hands.
Even more voters stated they remained oblivious to where their segregated fees went and others started auditioning for their roles as blind sheep in the next play to be performed on campus.
But the greatest number voted through ESP, while sleeping off hangovers, napping in lounge chairs in the Learning Resource Center or just going about their own business.
Apathy won by a landslide and will be SGA’s president next year. Empathy, this year’s loser, is transferring with its cousins, Consideration and Kindness, to Dalai Lama Polytechnical Institute.
Incompetence, who was in a hurry declined to comment and then proceeded to side swipe Earnestness and drove off without leaving a note.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
