Science & Outdoors
A wide variety of beards willl be available for freshmen. Pictured above is the “Up Nort” style as featured in the Fall 1956 issue of “Illustrated Beard Digest.” “IBD” was forced into bankruptcy in 1959 when it was revealed that all the beards were in fact communists.
CNR to issue beards to all incoming freshmen
Science and Outdoors Reporter
The University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point College of Natural Resources, the largest and most prestigious institution of its kind in the nation, announced on Tuesday that all incoming freshmen for the fall 2009 semester are to be issued beards.
Long a staple on the face of every CNR student, the hallowed beard holds a special place in the hearts and minds of every person who would rather be staring at a tree or fish than a television.
The CNR hopes that other natural resources schools across the country will pick up the pilot beard program, dubbed “Operation New Growth.”
“My god,” said CNR Dean Christine Thomas. “The beards! These beards that will cover the next generation of CNR majors will be like nothing the natural world has ever seen. Thick, burly and strong, the beards will go forth as a beacon of hope for all who wish to pursue studies in natural resources.”
The spectrum of beards for freshmen to choose from will include the Queen’s Brigade, the Maltese, the Claus-esque and, in limited quantities, the flapwings. Those with a minor in religious studies will have the chin curtain option.
Furthermore, the college plans to show no discrimination when issuing its beards, all from organic and sustainable beard farms of the Pacific Northwest.
“Male or female,” said Thomas, “wear your beard with smug pride and a contempt for the business world.”
Holding their chins up, many CNR upper-classmen have taken the news with a twinge of jealousy after dealing with the initial shock.
“You mean I’ve been growing this thing the hard way for four years for nothing?” exclaimed senior Glenn Wills. “That’s ridiculous! Why should these kids get something for free that everyone else has worked so hard to obtain through meticulous self-neglect and bewildering belief in how good they look!”
The CNR also issued a statement declaring that all CNR minors, and those with teaching intent, will be issued moustaches.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
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