Science & Outdoors
The Herpes Proud Victims Organizations holds weekly meetings in the Noel Fine Arts Center. Their meetings include a medley of musical performances by the members proclaiming the joy of being diagnosed with herpes. Other events include discussions of the number of weeks it took Delzell to diagnose them with herpes, as well as an array of sexually transmitted disease tests available at every meeting.
Recent campus study shows herpes not so bad, really
The Pointless
stubeggi@uwsp.edu
For too long, it was thought to be the worst possible thing that could happen to a person. One drink proves to be one drink too many and you end up in the bed of a stranger without a condom. Twenty days later, you wake up with a new peculiar itch, burn or tingle and it’s assumed your sexual life is over. Not according to a new study.
A recent campus study has shown that herpes is not so bad to have. Researchers looked at several aspects of having the disease and have come to the conclusion that people should really just get over it.
The study involved over 2,000 students who have contracted the disease while at college. Participants were not hard to find. Researchers spent only two nights roaming downtown Stevens Point, mainly Bruisers, looking for the drunkest patrons.
“Holy crap, 2,000 people on campus have herpes!” said junior Henrik Pettersson when told the study results.
The researchers ran a series of tests on each participant to gauge how much the disease has really affected their relationships, perceptions of self and confidence in the bedroom. The study found that people were actually more confident in finding and taking home random partners after contracting the disease.
“I mean, I’ve already got herpes and it’s not so bad, so HPV must not be that bad either,” said one study participant.
The study has caused waves of joy in the infected masses. A group for infected people no longer wants to use the word infected to refer to those with herpes, but should now use the term “riding dirty” because it sounds more hip. Those “riding dirty” have come together to form the Herpes Proud Victims organization. The group is doing all it can to spread the word and disease to those who still think of it in a negative connotation.
“We’re going to have a kissing booth at the involvement fair,” said organization President Damian Daniel. “People need to know, excuse me while I scratch, people need to know that herpes is nothing to worry about.”
“I’m so happy they did this study,” said HPV member Nellie van Kinsbergen. “I can finally tell my boyfriend after 6 months of secrecy that I have herpes.”
The group of researchers from the biology department who did the study expressed extreme joy with the results. The group has plans to take on the extremely common Human Papilloma Virus next.
“I mean for real its just warts, and worst case scenario syphillis, which I’m not completely convinced isn’t caused by weakness to begin with,” said researcher Calvin Ligne.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
