Science & Outdoors
The deer gang has been seen donning gang apparel and sporting malicious paraphenalia. Shown here is the gang’s leader, the only buck in Schmeeckle Reserve.
Students advised to avoid Schmeeckle Reserve Gang of rogue deer turn walking trails deadly and dangerous
The Pointless
cwd2009@uwsp.edu
A collection of radio-collared deer turned violent after being trapped in nets by The Wildlife Society and have declared gang warfare against the students at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point.
The turf war began after members of The Wildlife Society’s Deer Project radio-collared and ear-tagged three deer in one weekend. One of the deer called for a rebellion against TWS by all the other deer in Schmeeckle Reserve. Since then, the deer have been wreaking havoc against all students entering the reserve.
“I went for a quick run through Schmeeckle, just like I do every Thursday afternoon, when I noticed a band of five deer blocking my path,” said junior Whitney Miller. “They just looked so friendly and cute, so I tried to get closer to them and that’s when they attacked.”
Miller was one of six students who were lured in by the mainly doe gang. Another student, Brock Schreiber, who wishes to remain anonymous, was ice fishing on Lake Joanis when the deer surrounded him and locked him in his ice shanty, holding him hostage.
“The only reason the deer released the ice fisherman was because we sent them 10 gallons of corn as they requested. Otherwise, we don’t know what they may have done to him next,” said Department of Natural Resources Warden R. Abega. “All we know is that the ice on Lake Joanis would have been melting soon. These animals are cute, but heartless.”
TWS planned to retaliate by tranquilizing the unruly animals, but have been warned by the gang that if they do, they will never again see Adam Murkowski, a TWS member being held hostage by the gang of does. TWS has asked the DNR to include Schmeeckle Reserve within its chronic wasting disease eradication zone, a move that would certainly mean an end for Murkowski.
TWS has combined with former broomball rivals, The Society of American Foresters, to combat the deer gang. SAF has offered to help eliminate the deadly does by clear-cutting the college’s forest preserve to eliminate the gang’s stronghold, but city officials fear what the deer might do if unleashed into the community. Edith Jones, a long-time Stevens Point resident and mother of five, lashed out at the idea saying, “These deer are capable of grotesque acts of horror against the city’s defenseless youth or worse yet, they could begin devouring the tulips I have finally kept those pesky rabbits from eating.”
The DNR proposed introducing the venerable “Wolf Gang of the North” to fight off the deer. This gang has been known to decimate wild deer herds for hundreds of years. However, environmentalists fear that the wolf gang will be inept at combating the advanced guerilla warfare of the urban deer gang. Leading to a court battle between the environmentalists and the DNR, a federal judge deemed the situation volatile and refused to release the wolves south of Highway 64.
Evacuation of The Village apartments, which border Schmeeckle Reserve, has begun taking place as the deer expand their territory. Recent attacks have targeted students leaving Partners, inebriated and vulnerable, as they return to The Village. Oftentimes, these victims don’t remember the night’s events, but the hoof marks tell the story.
Most recently, a note tied to a rock was thrown through a TWS member’s vehicle window when it was parked on Maria Drive. The note summoned TWS to a showdown with the deer gang to determine the final ownership of Schmeeckle Reserve. The note requested that only primitive weapons be used during the battle, including bows, blades and tridents. TWS recognizes this proposition as a possible trap, but sees no other viable option at this time.
“I can only compare the current condition of Schmeeckle Reserve to the 1960’s Los Angeles riots, but with more of a small-town feel,” said Warden Abega. “If TWS does not come out of the battle victorious, we can only hope and pray that deer hunting season comes quickly.”
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
