Sports
Stevie Pointer being taken to the dawg pound by Michael Vick.
UW-SP’s Stevie Pointer sold to Michael Vick
The Pointless
msnoo678@iwsp.edu
The true reach of the economic recession grasped Stevens Point on Monday, as the University of Wisconsin – Stevens Point sold mascot Stevie Pointer to renowned dog connoisseur Michael Vick for an undisclosed amount.
“I don’t usually buy breeds like pointers,” said Vick, “but he looks lean and scrappy, so I can’t wait to get out of this place and … play with him.”
“We all love Stevie Pointer,” said UW-SP Chancellor Linda Bunnell, “but, we have to keep in mind what is best for Stevie. Mr. Vick is a millionaire with a knowledge of dogs that cannot be disputed. Mr. Vick has promised to take care of Stevie. And with the budget as it is, we have to consider revenue streams and income, no matter what they are.”
“In reality,” the Chancellor added, “we probably would have just ended up serving Stevie in the DUC when we go self-op.”
Many times during his 15-minute phone call interview, Vick was purported to trail off when asked about his plans for Stevie.
“I’ve got a big house with a big basement that he will play in … and a big backyard he will end up in,” said Vick ominously.
With the release of the 2009-2011 Wisconsin biennial budget and its $5.7 billion shortfall, it is estimated that the University of Wisconsin system will have to face $174 million in funding cuts. Repercussions are already being felt throughout the University of Wisconsin system as a result, the sale of Stevie Pointer being only one example.
“The cuts are real, and they are very challenging,” UW System President Kevin Reilly said.
On other campuses, schools have had to make similar concessions in order to weather the funding recession.
The UW-Oshkosh Titans, for instance, have reached a $1 million agreement with the Tennessee Titans, wherein Vince Young will attend psychology lectures in an attempt to diagnose what the hell is wrong with him.
UW-Green Bay has unannounced plans to burn Phlash the Phoenix down for the insurance money, UW-Parkside hopes to sell Ranger D. Bear to a European circus and UW-Waukesha’s Corby the Cougar will be hunted by millionaires for sport.
Feeling left out of the lucrative deals going around, UW-Eau Claire called an emergency meeting to create a mascot.
The meeting ended with an all-night session and the creation of Claire O, a bluish-gold letter “O” that wears a barrette. Eau Claire then promptly sold Claire O to “Sesame Street” in exchange for Mr. Hooper’s cryogenically frozen body and a map that leads to the fabled “Snuffleupagus Burial Grounds,” which, if proven to exist, are said to be worth “millions and millions” to Muppet archaeologists.
“We just made our own Muppet treasure island, suckers!” exclaimed UW-Eau Claire Chancellor Brian Levin-Stankevich.
This article was written for “The Pointless” - The Pointer’s April Fools Day alter ego
