Letters & Opinion
Your College Survival Guide: Beards and Trivia.
With Help From: The Afterdark Coffee House.
Dear Pat “Haptodysphoria” Rothfuss,
I have a somewhat hairy relationship problem:
My boyfriend has a beard and a mustache and I think he looks quite good with them. But recently, when we were kissing very…adamantly, I got an irritation from his mustache rubbing against my mouth. I got “stash rash”. And it hurt.
Is there any way to prevent this from happening again? If there’s no way to stop it, what do you suggest for the rash? Perhaps there's some kind of ointment I could use? Normally I'd ask my female friends, but they're all dating fellows sans facial hair. And going to my mom with this one is out of the question. Since you yourself are a furry person, I thought you might have some suggestions.
Thanks for the advice, oh Fuzzy One.
Leanna
It seems to me that you might be jumping to conclusions here Leanna. Have you considered all the possibilities? Maybe you're allergic to boys. Or it's possible that you're just allergic to your boyfriend.
Figuring out what is really causing this rash should really be your first order of business. My advice is that you first kiss some girls and see if you develop a similar rash. Then you should kiss a guy with no beard. Lastly then you should kiss a man with a beard who isn't your boyfriend. That's the only way you can really be sure that the beard is the real issue here. Science doesn't lie.
On a completely unrelated note, if you need a place to conduct this experiment, we just installed a hot tub at my house....
But if it does turn out to be the new beard, the real difficulty is probably the fact that your boyfriend's beard and moustache are really short. When that happens, the hairs are really prickly and rough. It's like making out with a Christmas tree, and that leads to irritation.
There are several solutions to this one. The simplest is for your boy to let his beard grow out until it's full and manly like mine. Longer moustaches and beards are softer and don't lead to any irritation from the make-outs.
Alternately, your boy can condition his beard and mustache. That's supposed to make the hair softer, too.
You could also try to wear some sort of face protection. Like a ski mask. Or maybe you could just kiss him through a hole in a piece of wax paper. I bet that would work too.
Pat,
Some people have invited me to play trivia with them this year. It's my very first trivia. Any advice for a newbie?
Ben
You came to the right place, Ben. I’ve been doing Trivia since my first year in college, and I’ve learned some important things over the years. If you follow this few pieces of advice you should be able to make it through all 54 hours of trivia relatively unscathed.
Don’t talk when they’re asking the questions on the radio.
If your team is serious about Trivia, then this is the most important rule. I’ve seen terrible things happen to people who talk over the questions. My first year of trivia I didn’t know what the big deal was, so after my third offence they duct-taped me to a utility pole in the back yard.
The two guys that tied me up went off for pizza afterwards and then forgot about me for about four hours. Luckily, I can sleep anywhere, so I just took nap.
Don’t make any bets regarding answers you’re ‘absolutely sure’ are right.
As you all know, lack of sleep can impinge your good judgement. So, if you ignore this rule, somewhere around hour 38 of Trivia you’re bound to make some ridiculous bet with someone, lose, and have to do something unpleasant. Last year I forgot this rule and had to eat an entire box of Shake ‘n Bake through a straw.1 Not as much fun as you might imagine.
Caffeine. Caffeine. Caffeine.
My source of power and yours. Caffeine is going to be your new best friend over the trivia weekend. And I have good news! Our lovely sponsor, the Afterdark Coffee House, has decided to stay open for the entire 54 hours of Trivia. That means that no matter what unseasonable hour of the day or night you end up needing a jolt, you'll be able to stop in and get some Espresso, or Red Bull, or pretty much any energy drink you like.
And you Ben, because I used your letter this week, you get a $10 gift certificate for the Afterdark. So does Leanna. The rest of you lazy wankers have to pay your own way....
Get a little sleep.
Now your hardcore stay-awake-all-54-hours teammates might call you a sissy for taking the occasional catnap. But unless you’re used to staying up for long periods of time, lack of sleep does some really funny things to you.
In 1997 I tried to stay awake for the whole contest and… well… Sunday morning rolled around and somehow I got the great idea that “everyone gets a hickey” should be this year’s trivia Theme. Worse yet, there was another guy there who was just as sleep deprived as I was, and… well…. let's just say that his girlfriend still hasn't entirely forgiven me for that.
Check out the Trivia Parade.
One of the lesser known parts of Trivia is the parade that happens at 5:00 on Friday. My team has been putting together floats for almost ten years at this point, and the people in charge seem to find no greater joy than in dressing me up. Last year our float was Flash Gordon themed, so I was Prince Voltan.
This year we're doing Woodstock, so I'm playing the part of "hippie guy making out with a hot hippie chick under a blanket." I think I'm going to try a little method acting.
Remember, this week's sponsor is the newly opened Afterdark Coffee House, built on the bones of the old Mission. It's open all day and all night during Trivia.
Coffee, energy drinks, fresh bakery, nachos, WIFI... The Afterdark has it all. It even has Pat Rothfuss. I'll be holding down the fort there during the late-late-night Saturday shift. So if you're sleep deprived, stop on by and I'll make you some of my patented Better-Than-Sex chocolate chip cookies.
The Afterdark is downtown, right across from Arbuckles. Or you can call 254-0049 and ask for directions.